Original Post Date: 10/6/2014
"I hate Barbie!" Blush told her father.
She sounded eight-years-old, but she was thirty-two, single, and fat. "I don't get it. I don't get her, and I surely don't get you!" she continued through weeping eyes.
They had this conversation many times before and once again her Dad explained "Barb" (yes, he referred to Barbie as Barb), the whole business of selling a non-realistic doll, and ended it with "It's the way of the world - nothing is ever how it should be. Life works upside down."
When she saw her father for the last time he was boarding a private jet that had the hideous Barbie head painted on the side. She thought What a pompous prick! She hated him and everything he stood for: The Barbie name, the skinny plastic bitch that no girl could ever live up to, yet, that sold billions every year. Being a plump girl, how could Daddy possibly stand for this ugly looking doll that still stood the test of time in the year 2120? Money. Plain and simple. Money. And her brother Blake was just like him.
When she learned that the pilot found Daddy dead in the cabin after landing in Brazil, due to a blood clot that traveled not only to Brazil with him, but up to his brain to kill him, she felt no remorse about that last thought she had of him. The corporation would be split 50/50 between herself and her brother. The only clause was that the one hundred and eighty million dollars they would each inherit had to be spent on the Barbie corporation, product and marketing... any profits earned from their contribution to the company would then be their "inheritance". And any financial loss? Well, "That eighty million wasn't ever yours to begin with." the executor of the estate reminded them. What a mother fucker, Blush thought. An inheritance that had to be earned?
She wanted to run that skinny bitch Barbie down to the grave along with her father. And that's when the idea popped into her head: What about a Barbie that no longer represented perfect? Let's give the generation of 2120 exactly what they were: fucked up, weird and wired kids. Hence, she happily spent the first half of her inheritance on creating the latest version of Barbie: BARB WIRED. That's right, Barbie wired, stoned, and cracked out of her light-weight head. Since she had the lead on everything from the design to the marketing of her new version of Barbie, she was sure this would piss off the world and bring down the Barbie name.
She designed the Barbie body out of barbwire, spikes and all, so incredibly painful to touch, hold and play with. The only silicon was the head, with blood shot eyes and two firm silicon boobs, but the abs, limbs, spine and neck were barbwire. The first Barb Wired came with a miniature smoking pipe in cool colors. Barbie loved smoking her marijuana out of the pink one, of course. The Limited Edition of the first Barbie came with some snacks to munch on after her high!
Blush watched the stock market the day the doll hit the shelves, knowing full well that the Barbie stock would plummet. Bible belt preachers would riot, PTA Moms would cry, Girl Scouts would eat way too many cookies and question what has happened to their world? But no, that did not happen. If Blush had been following business trends she would have known that crack pipes had sold more in 2120 than the last ten years combined. And to have Barbie owning one, was well, totally "rad" (yes, the word "rad" came back 250 years later). Blush was pissed. She would push the limit on the next Barbie release.
Release number two of Barb Wired came with an itsy-bitsy bag of cocaine (sugar), and a Barbie with a stained bloody nose.
Release number three, came with Barb Wired on Heroine (sugar water), included a mini syringe, spoon, and lighter that really worked!
But Barb Wired kept selling like hot cakes. Blush knew she had to cross the line even further in order to destroy Barbie.
Release number four was packaged with real crystal meth and DIY home instructions on how to make more meth when you run out!
Instead of drowning the Barbie name, stocks soared. Blush was interviewed by every business magazine and made the cover of TIME. Girls across America idolized her because owning a Barb Wired nearly guaranteed they would look like the traditional Barbie. Young, fat boys and girls lost so much weight after doing meth! Homes had to be triple locked, as robbers were in search of the highly coveted limited editions of Barb Wired.
All the while, Blake had stuck to the traditional Barbie and was flat broke! His "inheritance" down the traditional drain. Blush, started loving this business, jet setting here and there to explain how she came up with Barb Wired - the Barbie that's always Wired product! In the midst of it all she got caught up, forgot about her father, forgot about killing off Barbie, that skinny bitch, and the Barbie name. She finally understood Daddy and "Barb", she explained to Blake, as she boarded a jet plane with a Barb Wired painted on the side.
That pompous Bitch! thought Blake. It's the way of the world - nothing is ever how it should be. Life works upside down.
Doll Photo credit: Martin Zender